Okie Doked

Hey Seattleites, want to take a non-stop flight from Seattle to Oklahoma City, maybe go see the Banjo museum or the Coyote Ugly bar made famous by the shitty movie I saw when I was in prison 15 years ago? What a disappointment. I’d rather eat a bucket of worms in a dust bowl.

The Seattle SuperSonics took that non-stop, one way, thanks to Howard (Judas Iscariot, Rat Bastard) Shultz, Starbucks owner who sold away our basketball team. When asked if he knew which way the wind was blown’, (obviously towards Oklahoma city), he feigned ignorance and stole a line from his sitcom Nazi namesake and said, “I know nothing.”

He then tried to save face with our angry city and filed a halfhearted too little, too late lawsuit against Clay Bennett and company, saying, “You promised not to move. You guys cheated.” That would be like trusting Homer Simpson to not eat all the donuts. He then got his ass kicked and immediately raised the price of his coffee drinks, claiming a milk shortage. Apparently, the cows weren’t workin’ hard enough. This rubbed Oklahoma City salt in our festering Pacific Northwest wounds as a parting gift.

I voted with my feet and discovered that Starbucks scorched earth blend isn’t the only coffee in town.

Now Alaska Airlines, believing that everyone’s gaping basketball-sized hole has miraculously healed itself, is offering non-stop to O.K.C., probably with Clay Bennett as pliot and David Stern co-pilot, in a SuperSonic transport. I’m just sure.

David (midget amongst giants) Stern, the N.B.A.commissioner at that time, got his itsy bitsy feewings hurt by the Washington State holders of the public purse strings. The Legislature felt that the good hard working people of the state of Washington shouldn’t genuflect and open the money tap for another new stadium. David vowed to slay the legislative Goliath and facilitated the move to O.K.C. He hung on to that resentment until the day of his retirement hoping the low-life people of Seattle never get another N.B.A team. He just kept getting smaller and smaller. To Howard, David, Clay and Alaska Airlines, I say, “Go frack yourselves.”

Can you tell I’m still a little pissed?

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