My stump speech

I’m busy this primary election season building a platform for my newly published book, Fixed. But, if I were running for Grand Pooba of the known universe, this would be the political platform I would stand on.

On the subject of undocumented workers: I’m all for building a fence along the border. It would be a white picket fence about two feet high with unlocked pearly colored gates every eight feet or so for easy access and a big welcome sign that read “Ola amigos.”  There would be a celebration upon entry with Mariachi bands and Donald Trump Pinatas full of chorizo. We would need someone to build this fence, so I would employ the entirety of every Home Depot parking lot in America. Members of Congress would pay for this undertaking by forfeiting their paychecks and the Halls of Congress would be re-established along the border so while the members worked for free they could facilitate any necessary cooking, cleaning, laundry as well as wash the feet of the weary travelers. This would display their stated desire to serve the public.

As weird as it sounds, we the people would treat these people as if they were people. When the border fence comes to completion, the fence around Arizona would get under way. I would have to remind the Trumpettes that Jesus loved him some prostitutes, in case anyone wanted to spring the religious card.

On the subject of gun control: I agree with the corpse of Charlton Heston and the gun lobby: Guns don’t kill people, bullets kill people. So no more bullets or no more guns. You can have one or the other, but you can’t both. If you want to do harm with your gun it will be just about as effective as a hammer, but I wouldn’t try and pound a nail with it. You might hit your thumb. Take it from me, it hurts. Or, you better start practicing throwing those bullets as hard as you can

. Any questions? Didn’t think so, moving on.

Equal pay: Who wants to tell their mom, “Mom, I love Dad 100 percent, but I only love you 77 percent. This may be applicable on a case-to-case basis but not for all woman. Equal pay for equal work, period. Any questions? Didn’t think so, moving on.

On the subject of foreign affairs: If we go to war with Iran, how in the name of (here’s where you get to choose) are we going to get any more of those kick ass rugs?

Right to life versus pro choice: If as a man, you choose not to wear a rain hat after you trick a woman into sharing her holy temple with you, and she decides she doesn’t want to crowd our bloated planet with what might be another right-wing man baby, then you will first be required to pass a couple of kidney stones and have a couple wiener babies just for fun before you make up your mind. Any questions? Didn’t think so, moving on.

New rules for Congress: When begging constituents for money for re-election, Congress will now only be allowed to ask from street corners with cardboard signs that states their names and list of accomplishments.

It’s gonna be an awfully small piece of cardboard.

Gay marriage: If you’re against gay marriage, don’t marry a gay person.

Global warming: All climate deniers will be made to stand on an iceberg and see how long it takes to melt and be eaten by a polar bear.

Based on current choices, I think my chances would be pretty good.


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