It’s 6 a.m. and that vat of fermented cabbage my Croat neighbours are preparing for the championship game is full of life. I’m sure it is the beginning of something wonderful and tastes better than it smells. I hope France become the champions, English champions, because in French, a champignon is a mushroom, and that wouldn’t be good.

Later:Game time. Also, time to cut into my round of Les Bleus chèvre fromage.

I’m 58 years old and viewing my first-ever match. I’ve been on my own planet. The commentators are saying a lot of French things, things I don’t yet understand, but one day will. It sounds pretty cool. The French just always sound cool. Someday, I’ll sound cool. Maybe?

I watch the game. There’s determination, there’s grimacing, grunting and groaning. There’s a lot of that angry neck muscle-silent roaring things going on. Shins are getting kicked. There’s huffing and puffing, heads are butting. There’s bumping and grinding and there’s a lot of back and forth, but, so far, no scoring.

Boooooring.

Ing is something that does not show up on the end of words in French writing, so I must get them in while I can.

The French are in Domino’s pizza colours and the Croatians are wearing the Italian tablecloth jerseys. The lime green and canary yellow guys flying sideways appear to be goalies. The field is like a mile long.

Many calories are burned as evident by the emaciated look of the bodies running across the screen. Or maybe they’re in shape and I’m just fat. Remove the ball and it could be Riverdance. Ah, there’s the French Gatorade. Okay, ouch, that hurt. Dude says “moi?”

They’ve kicked the ball into the net a number of times already and they all have on pretty nice socks. The commentator’s getting excited. Oops. I heard the word beaucoup, so there’s a lot of something. Happy to keep you informed.

This is also my first foray into play by play. How am I doing? In American football, we have fat guys. Where are the fat guys? In the crowd you say?

Vive la France! France wins 4 to 2.

We are the mushrooms, we are the mushrooms, of the world.

It’s getting crazy outside.

Headline photo courtesy of the brilliant:

Tom Grimbert