started this blog as a vehicle for My book Fixed: Dope sacks, dye packs and the long welcome back, which has gained a little bit of traction in its short, self-published life. But, what has happened in the interim? In part, a rhetorical question. The whole country got the D.Ts with no cure in sight. But …
Category: Uncategorized
Brain Under Construction
Not since Napoleon have the French administered such a decisive defeat. Today they walloped me. I surrendered in class and laid down my books with a fart and a whimper. Agitated, my muttering bubbled up into a full-on proclamation. I lost my shit, "I CAN"T DO THIS!" The class collectively parked their language skills in …
For What It’s Worth
I know some of you are thinking, will this guy ever write anything useful to me? Probably not, but I will tell this: never put an eggplant in the microwave and never siphon gas with a shop vac. Beyond those two helpful hints, I'm pretty much tapped out, except on the subject of my ongoing adventure, …
I’m in kindergarten, They Can’t Put Me Back
Bonjour, mes amis! It's Douglas—phonetically pronounced Dooglaw—checking in from Paris. Learning a language is très difficile. Now I know what it feels like to be a baby, as it relates to language, that is. I'm learning all the time. I've just received confirmation, that, "vous êtes une chauve-souris," I'm bald as a bat. After looking in the …
Continue reading I’m in kindergarten, They Can’t Put Me Back
Fromage, Take 2
If you want to be hit in the face with an olfactory 2x4, step inside any one of the fromageries sprinkled about Paris. You'll find no aerosol Fromage Whizz in France. Be it sheep (brebis), goat (chèvre) or cow (vache), it's all udderly delicious. I was late to the fondue and have only recently …
Scooter
An endless procession of anaemic scooters, and with the same whiney intensity as weed eaters, take over my street at dusk. Like the little guy with the big mouth who won't shut up. Like me. They aren't going fast, but they are definitely pushing the limits of rotations per minute as demonstrated by the way …
Musée de Clumsy
Words of wisdom from a bumbling American tourist: if you’re looking to endear a group of foreign religious pilgrims, let your transition lenses adjust from the glaring sunlight before making your grand entrance into the dark mid-evil dungeon that is Musée de Cluny. I thought, wow, what’s that? and made a beeline towards a 600 …
Gone Fishin’
Outdoorsy Pacific North Westerners, may remember fishing with uncle Henry or aunt Henrietta as a kid. Good times. Fishing is also a junkies term for a heart stopping cocaine, or meth overdose, not so good times. I think about them every day. Etched on my mind is John, brother of Michael, whom I spent plenty …
Forbidden Words and Phrases
The difference between gym socks and truffles is they don’t cost $300 per ounce, and any dog can easily find them. In my opinion, they smell the same. But not all words and phrases smell the same. I know what sound reasonable enough to use in everyday conversation when rolling off my tongue without the …
Glutton for Punishment
If you're a big fan of I.B.S., you should try signing up for a book blog tour as a first time self-published author like I did. If I wasn't already bald, my hair would have fallen out in anticipation of my first review. These days, Book Bloggers aren't just talking about unicorns and hot sex, …
